My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me more LOGIC - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7." Agai

He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. "You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?" "Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all th

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped

One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked. Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said. I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you." came a whisper. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?" She wiped her cheeks. "I was helping her cry," she said.

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year,

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied; "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one re

Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends.

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at

Little Johnny walked into class one day and sat down. He realized that someone new was teaching the class today, It was Coach Bob, the gym teacher. Coach Bob started the class by saying, "Okay you little one's are never too young to learn about s-e-x, uh ummm." While every other kid in the class is giggling. Little Johnny looks really intent. Coach Bob then asks, " Well, what do any of you kids already know about sex." Little Shirley raised her hand, "One time my puppy had a baby." "Good " said Coach Bob Then Little Chuckie raised his hand and said, "Well my mom gave me a little sister." "Good, good." said Coach Bob The Little Johnny raised his hand and Coach Bob's heart skipped a be