Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter said,"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What do you pick to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981. Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1976. Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it." 1966. Darre

Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 st

What happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!

You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom.

A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic. While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself. The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the pe

For those of you who do not know, a stroop test is where you say the color of the word, but not the word itself(and the words are spelling out colors). One day there was a blonde. She saw stroop tests and found them fun. One day she was on a radio show. She said she was a fan of stroop tests and said she'd give the audience one. She explained what it was. "Blue" "Red" "Green" The first to call and give the answers would win a cash prize. Someone called in. "YOU MORON! YOU CANT SPEAK A STROOP TEST!"

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

An office technician got a call from a blonde. The blonde told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.