"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!

The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; "This is Three Horse." "That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have deep symbolism?" "Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!"

Have you heard about camping? It's intense. (In tents!)

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Fruit Cake Recipe 1 c water 1 c butter 4 lg. eggs 1 btl WHISKEY 8 oz mixed nuts 1 tsp. salt juice of one lemon 1 c brown sugar 2 c dried fruit 1 tsp baking powder Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift t

You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom.

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic. While doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself. The second doctor said, "Ok, suture self!"

A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Boys make good pets! Princess in training! At least I can still smoke in my car Caution, Blind Man Driving. "Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make." All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day! "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan "No BLOOD no foul." "Life's an Ocean, Sail It" "We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the pe