NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday In

There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says," Good morning ladies."

Local cops know you by your nickname.

You know your a redneck if... You tell your kids the facts of life and they interrupt you with corrections. You've ever given your date flowers from a cemetery. You proposed at Denny's. The biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was. You had a marriage license before you had a drivers license. You've ever reused wedding invitations. The last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was "It's me or them dogs." If your wedding invitations ever said "same time same place." At your wedding reception you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get "Champagne."

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode." Without fu

One day a man was watching a show that shows how people make candy bars (by the way he has one in his hand). About halfway through the show, his son comes in asks him if he could ask him a question. The man says yes so his son asks him, "Where can most criminals be found?" The Man answers, "Behind candy bars" "My point exactly," the son replies. (The son found 12 dollars to missing the day before and his father was the only who could take it given the circumstances at the time.) A couple weeks later the man finds many of his personal items go missing. Then, one day when found his watch missing and he realizes his son took it. So the man waited until his son took out a candy bar for

"OK," said the psychiatrist, "let's try some tests. I'll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of." He draws a house, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a square, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a circle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a trangle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a diamond, and the patient says, "Sex." "I see; it seems to me," says the trick-cyclist,"you have a fixation with sex." "Me? Who's drawing all these dirty pictures?" ----------------------------------------------------- A man is referred to a psychiatrist because he imagines himself to be a pet dog. "All right, lie on the couch," says the doctor. "Sorry, I'm not allowed on the fur

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(9i)³]-[cos(xy)/1096x]

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

make a hole.

In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace... If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'... If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'... If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'... If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'... If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'... If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you... If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate... If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elepha