A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?" The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?"

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies. The first mother said, "I'm having a boy." "How can you be so sure?" asked the other two. "Well" said the first, "my husband was on top." The second replied, "If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top." The third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong. "I'm going to have a puppy" she replied.

- When Cupid shoots his arrow, I hope he Mrs. you. -If I were a head of lettuce, I'd cut myself in two. I'd give a leaf to everyone, but save the heart for you. -Can't write, too dumb; inspiration won't come. Bad ink, no pen; that's all, amen. -My love for you will never fail...as long as a pig has a curly tail. -I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes my peas taste funny, but it keeps them on my knife. -My love for you shall always shine, like bedbugs dipped in turpentine. -Twinkle, twinkle, little star, powder puff and cold cream jar; Toni wave and lipstick too, will make a beauty out of you. -I hope you sit on the tack of success and rise rapidly.

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

An American dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the Chinese hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the American hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What d

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?

Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.

Good Ev'nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I'm very intellentifull. I didn't mean to confusinate you, but I'm just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can't prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like "A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter's Ice Cream?" I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Ex

Knock-Knock Who's there? I'm a pile up. I'm a pile up who? Yes, you are a pile of poo!