Jacob, a three year old boy, is excited about the birth of his little sister, Olivia. One morning, Jacob's mom is giving Olivia a bath, when Jacob asks "Mom, where's her pp?" The mom explains that boys have pp's and girls don't. Just to make sure he understands, she brings out a magazine, and points to a girl and said "What does she have?" and he responds "No pp." She tells him good job and points to a man and he responds "pp." Then she points to George W. Bush and asks "Whats this?" he responds "tough call"

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.

A little guy is seated next to a big guy at a bar and asks his name. The big guy says, "They call me Tex." The little guy replies, "Oh, you must be from Texas." The big guy says, "Nope. I'm from Louisiana." "Hmmm," the little guy replies, "Then why do they call you Tex?" The big guy looks down at him and says, "Would you like to try calling me Louise?"

Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night

When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And wh

Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird!

The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"