The town of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, "Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.

A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center. The nurse there says "Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all"

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . . 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world." 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the fac

W a t e r 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and diff

Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!

Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 2

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?" Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?" Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport. "Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked. With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'". "Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"

How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?

One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged. "WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech," I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, "How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!" "Wow, real carnival people!" I said, "I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper tar

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger. "Frickin 'eck" says the Irishman, "BMW think