There was a mad scientist (a mad ...social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water - but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened ca

What's faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon.

10. If it's wet make it dry. 9. If it's dry make it wet. 8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime. 7. Never tell management what you are really thinking. 6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment". 5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment". 4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job. 3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them. 2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it. 1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.

Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

"Have you heard it? Brezhnev died!" / "What happened, heart attack?" / "No, short-circuit of eyebrows."

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

One evening, on her first date, a blond went to an amusement park with her boyfriend. After they went on the roundabout, the boy said, "What do you want to do next?" The girl said, "I want to be weighed." So he weighed the blond on a guess the weight game. Then they went on the roller coaster, and afterwards the boy said, "What do you want to do next?" The girl said, "I want to be weighed." So he weighed the blond again, and she weighed the same, so he took her home. When she got home, she flumped on the couch and her mother said, "How was the date?" The blond said, "Weewy Weewy Wousy."

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!" "My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!" "My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock." "Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL bo

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believ

A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him. To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking. The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass." The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look." The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work. 10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!". So, both of the women stared at the news waiting to know what's gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that t

Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher? Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.