Popular Jokes
What's the difference between a leg and an egg?
You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands.
The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry."
The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees."
At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!"
The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."
There was a woman who came home from work. She had a very long day and just wanted to relax. Just as she was about to sit down, the phone rang.
"Hello?" she said as she picked it up.
"Are you married?" the voice said.
"Who is this?" she asked.
No answer. She hung up the phone.
Just as she was about to sit down again, the phone rang.
"Hello?" she said, picking up the phone again.
"Do you have children?" the voice said.
"Who the crap is this?" she said
No answer. She hung up the phone.
Just as she was about to sit down AGAIN, the phone rang AGAIN.
"HELLO?!?!?!" she yelled, "Now this is it, if you don't tell me who you are, I am going to call the police!"
"Ma'am you seem frustrated, w
This Is A True Senior's Moment:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.
6) While sitting at your de
These are phrases found on funny T-shirts:
*(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me!
* He did it -->
*The leprechauns are after my stash.
*I do what the voices tell me to do...
*Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
*See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK.
*I bet you were an ugly baby.
*(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people...
*I didn't do it.
*(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw.
*(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly...
*He farted -->
*(Picture of gas station) I have gas!
*(Squirrels) Protect your nuts.
*I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
*Help! I talk too much!
*(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me
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