One day a blonde was in a store, and saw a sign advertising a huge TV sale. She goes up to the salesman, and points to a shelf and says, "I want to buy that TV." The man says "No." The blonde, assuming its because he hates blondes, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the store and asks again, only to again be told again, "No." She goes home dies her hair black, and returns yet again. She asks for the TV, and is told "No, go home you blonde!" So she finally snaps and cries, "I've died my hair twice!How the hell do you know I'm blonde?" The salesman replies, "That's a microwave."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is no

Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same buil

Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?" The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!" The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?" The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

Christmas Italian Style 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wonderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, Don Santa wuz here, And he brought all da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da b

One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!

1) In Illinois, it is illegal to speak English. Well then, what do they speak? Gibberish? 2) In Crete, Illinois, it is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with someone else's dog. First of all, why would anybody attempt to even have sex with a dog? Second of all, is it okay to attempt to have sex with your own dog? And finally, my favorite one of all. . . 3)In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Duh! No, we're all going to magically survive a 50 story drop to the concrete below.

A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and so on. One afternoon, an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General," the orderly said. After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

There was a woman who came home from work. She had a very long day and just wanted to relax. Just as she was about to sit down, the phone rang. "Hello?" she said as she picked it up. "Are you married?" the voice said. "Who is this?" she asked. No answer. She hung up the phone. Just as she was about to sit down again, the phone rang. "Hello?" she said, picking up the phone again. "Do you have children?" the voice said. "Who the crap is this?" she said No answer. She hung up the phone. Just as she was about to sit down AGAIN, the phone rang AGAIN. "HELLO?!?!?!" she yelled, "Now this is it, if you don't tell me who you are, I am going to call the police!" "Ma'am you seem frustrated, w