"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. "I only have to growl," said the bear, "and people start to get a bit nervous." The lion said, "I just have to roar and people run away." "That's nothing," replied the chicken. "I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics."

A man was settling down to his after-dinner drink when he daughter climbs onto his lap. "Where does poo come from?" asks his inquisitive girl. The man knew these types of questions would come, and had given some thought to the answer he would give. "Well, sweetheart, you know the dinner you just ate? Well, our bodies keep the good parts, called nutrients, so our bones and muscles can grow strong. The rest passes out of our backsides, and that's poo." After a shocked silence, the girl trembles through another question for her father... "Umm... so where does Tigger come from?"

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 12- Pack of Bud 11 Rasslin' Tickets 10 tins of Copenhagen 9 Years Probation 8 Holey vests 7 Kissing Cousins 6 Cans of Spam 5 Hunting Hounds 4 Mudgrip tyres 3 Shot Gun Shells 2 more Gaps in Teeth And some parts to a Mustang GT

How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.

1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981. Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1976. Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it." 1966. Darre

What happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!

SO GREASY Yo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her! SO NASTY Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down! Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach! Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left! Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave! Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater! Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh! Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection. SO POOR Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her

An office technician got a call from a blonde. The blonde told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

A man was sailing down the river amazon in a canoe, when he was hit by a poison dart. He woke up some time later in a cage, surrounded by a tribe chief and his minions. The chief said "You have been tresspassing on our tribes private property. You will be doomed to death by ravens pecking out your insides. However, if you pass our 2 tests, you will be allowed to go. The first of which is a test of courage, of bravery, of strength. You must go into the first tent, and there you will find a lion, a lion with a thorn in its paw. The second challenge is one of compassion, thought and love. You must shag the 10 most beautiful ladies of our tribe. Now, let the challenges begin..." The man goes in

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

America is a land of untold wealth. - Internal Revenue Service.