Popular Jokes
The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.
If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
You have a gold-plated "clicker."
Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.
Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this ra
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... We can't hire you."
"But wait," he says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
The applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red con
3 men were being interviewed for a position for the FBI. The interviewers needed to know the men were going to be loyal to the FBI until the very end. So they set up a little test. They put each of the 3 men's wives in the room.
They sent the first man in with a gun, and told him to kill his wife.
A few minutes later the man comes out crying. He says, "I just can't do it. I love her." He gives back the gun.
They send the second man in and he comes out crying a few minutes later, hands back the gun, and says, "We've had too many good years. I just can't kill her. I'm sorry."
So finally they send in the third applicant. They listen closely to the door and try to see if this man will succeed. T
3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle.
God asked the first man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The man said, "None. Never once."
God says, "Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur."
Then God asks the second man how many times he's cheated.
The man says, "Only twice."
God says, "That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV."
Then
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.
She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?"
The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"
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