Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean... Costello: His brother Daffy. Abbott: Daffy Dean... Costello: And their French cousin.

Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

Once upon a time, and unfortunate event took place, in which a ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman B. 2 French men and 1 French woman C. 2 German men and 1 German woman D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman G. 2 American men and 1 American woman H 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed: A. One Italian man killed the

To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof: MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, "Mommy". By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for tests. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the birth of their first child. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the "wah-wah pedal" was the greatest invention. After that, they asked the drummer and he said the "bass pedal" was the greatest invention. Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the "Stanley thermos" was the greatest invention. Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said: "Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!"

How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!

One day a blonde was surfing the internet. After a few hours, she decided to have a coffee break. When the blonde came back, she screamed. There was a bug on her moniter! She ran upstairs and grabbed a fly swatter. When she came back down she couldn't swat the bug. It was to big! The blonde then remembered the label on the computer, for people having technical difficulties. After a while of searching, she found the label. She called the number immediately. "Hello, this is Dell technical difficulties station", a man on the other side said. "Hey, there's a bug on my monitor, and I tried swatting it, but it won't come off!" The blonde cried. The man replied, "Well, the solution is simple.

Local cops know you by your nickname.