Popular Jokes
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles.
Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel....
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!"
Teacher: "Are you sure?"
Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!"
Teacher:"Are you sure?"
Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!"
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder who?
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder,
Broken tape recorder...
24 Signs that You're Getting OLD
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1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as
A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
Do you know how old hags tell time?
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A witch-watch!
How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb?
They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"
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