Popular Jokes
Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!
You know you're a redneck if:
1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.
2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.
3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.
4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.
5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
There once was a pack of Indians and the Indian Chief could never seem to fart. So eventually he got one of his Indian people to call up a doctor and tell him "Big Chief no fart!".
So the doctor came up the next day with a pill and he
says "Here, take this and call me the next day to tell me what happened." So the Indian calls back up the next day and says "Still, Big Chief no fart!"
So the doctor brought up an even bigger pill. The next day the Indian calls the doctor up and says "Once again, Big Chief no fart!". So the doctor had enough of this and brought this HUGE pill, I mean this pill had to be taken in by tanks.
So the next day the Indian calls up the doctor and says..."BIG FART
Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Carol called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"
He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Carol. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
"I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'Y
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune; they have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along too.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him.
One day, the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent," said the teacher.
Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still be
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