Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!

A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, "Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?"

What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.

If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.

14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual Munching Spree Puffy Mid-Section People Make Me Sick Provide Me with Sweets Pardon My Sobbing Pimples May Surface Pass My Sweatpants Pissy Mood Syndrome Plainly; Men Suck Pack My Stuff Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!

Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field? 2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers

I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint

Child 1: Whatcha gonna do? Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV! Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!