You might be a redneck if you wear a tube top to a funeral!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

The Godfather was dying. He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, "Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "I worship you." The old man's eyes narrowed. "I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate." The lad looked around uneasily. "I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing." "Who raised you as if you were my own?" demanded the Godfather. "This one thing you can't do for me?" The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, "One more request?" "Sure, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "Do it again!" "What? I just did it," protested Mikey. "Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you

10. If it's wet make it dry. 9. If it's dry make it wet. 8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime. 7. Never tell management what you are really thinking. 6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment". 5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment". 4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job. 3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them. 2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it. 1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.

NFL - National Farting Legends BC - Before Comedy BAD - Being A Dumbass BEG - Big Evil Grin BF - Begging Forgiveness AA - Admirable Alcoholics NASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse ATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym BANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing BFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots BICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely) BMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters BSOD - Blue Screen Of Death CADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try COTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?) CPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???) CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thi

I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. You know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too. You looked in a mirror lately? You're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement. You remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk. If you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep. Well, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped. Why am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.

Take this quiz to see if you are an idiot or not. If you make just one single mistake, you are an idiot. Ready? 1.George Washington, who was born in 1732, was born in what year? 2.The second war of the world, known as the World War II, is known as what? 3.What is the answer to one hundred plus one hundred, given that one hundred plus one hundred is two hundred? 4.What punctuation mark is used after this sentence, which is a question mark? 5.This joke, who was written by xJOKERx, was written by who? 6.If an elephant is bigger than a mouse, is a mouse bigger than an elephant? 7.If this question has thirteen words, how many words does this question have? 8.If you are currently reading this jok

A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

We all know the world war II games right?And they also have the Thompson gun which belongs to the Americans and British. There is a 2nd meaning. (Capital letters make for Thompson not just the beginning words.If you know what I mean) Thompson means:Theories Having Oatmeal Mayhem.Prefers to Sadness because Oatmeal is Numb. Capital letters are the letters of Thompson.

"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot. The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!" Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA? In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.