Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped... So i was falling for an hour and a half.

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," says the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," whined Little Johnny. "Maybe," answered the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine) Grand Canyon National Park... Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park... Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska)... What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley

A collection of insults! For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill e

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. The Forest Service required t

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. He gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry, I'll come up with something," she said. During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more,

One way to take care of the world's population. The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.

A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there." The child looked at me and said, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry. One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper. His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?" His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower." The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed." Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one." The boy ans

There was a quirky breed of dinosaur called an "Adoptosaurus". Adoptosauruses laid eggs and often times forgot where they laid them or whose eggs were who's. Basically, they "adopted" the eggs they found and claimed them as their own. Adoptosauruses didn't eat meat because it wasn't apart of their dino-religion. They thought eating meat made dinosaurs fat and have wrinkly skin. Adoptosauruses ate flowers because they thought it made them smell good. They thought they were the best of all the dinosaurs. Maybe they went extinct so fast because their babies got hungry and ate each other, or the T-rexes found them and ate them, or maybe they were just stupid dinosaurs that adopted their own eg

What's faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon.