Popular Jokes
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
Aig - What a hen lays.
Aints - He's got aints in his paints.
Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a morning.
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin.
Bag - He bagged her to marry him.
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence.
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out.
Cheer - What you set in.
Crick - A small stream.
Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.
Chiny - country over in Asia.
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes.
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core.
Cyow - Animal on Farm.
Deppity - He helps out the shurf..
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt.
Dainz - Satidy night social.
Ellum - A graceful tree.
Fanger - What you put your rang on.
Faince - Whats r
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any more, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies,"It's Keith, the midget."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." - Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy t
Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he
"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
"Oops."
"Is that thing called a lung?"
"And my mom wanted me to help people."
"Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!"
"I can't pull it out!"
"This belongs on MTV."
"No one asked for your opinion."
"It's a boy!"
"Hey! I can see the operating table!"
"Brilliant. Now what?"
"I need a lawyer."
"What have you been eating?!"
"This is all a dream...this is all a dream..."
"Mommy!"
"Fire in the hole!"
"I knew I should've stopped drinking."
A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup â a miraculous shot.
The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!"
Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"
Attempting to enter a case-sensitive password with caps-lock on.
Not checking to ensure that the computer is indeed plugged in.
Clicking Yes on message boxes without reading them properly and deleting important files.
Forgetting to plug an ethernet cable into their laptop's network card when in the office.
Allowing sessions to timeout when using a web application.
Erroneous data entry.
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house!
Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud.
Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas!
Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!
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