1. Introduction The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavored to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage. 2. Food In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain foo

Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: "The Demon". Everyday, "The Demon" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache. Now, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him. The doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all. So, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem. "Son

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine... Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So... Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days." Bo

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!" His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?" He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

Little Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...

NFL - National Farting Legends BC - Before Comedy BAD - Being A Dumbass BEG - Big Evil Grin BF - Begging Forgiveness AA - Admirable Alcoholics NASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse ATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym BANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing BFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots BICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely) BMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters BSOD - Blue Screen Of Death CADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try COTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?) CPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???) CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thi

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . ." "Actually," said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility." "Surely," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "Err . . . NO!" insisted the Council. Sitting in his vil

In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot. The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!" Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"

Hw does Battery reproduce? Bi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass!

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA? In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."