What's faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon.

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."

It was often said that if an African American was ever voted in to be the President of the United States, that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.

A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," his friend said, "why aren't there

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA? In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.

How dod the person take over the remote?

Boy: Will you marry me? Girl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house! Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud. Girl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas! Boy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops. "Yes," says the blonde. "Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you''ve been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her ''round, but could not catch her No kinky

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them. Well, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment "Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". A little while on, the other of the two comments "Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". Again, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions "Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn'