Popular Jokes
Pick A Power Word
The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the
Ah - The things you see with.
Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.
Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.
Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce.
Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.
Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.
Co-Cola - Soft drink.
Crine - Weeping.
Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.
Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.
Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.
Everthang - All-encompassing.
Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.
Git - To acquire
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
NFL - National Farting Legends
BC - Before Comedy
BAD - Being A Dumbass
BEG - Big Evil Grin
BF - Begging Forgiveness
AA - Admirable Alcoholics
NASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
ATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym
BANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing
BFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots
BICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely)
BMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters
BSOD - Blue Screen Of Death
CADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try
COTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?)
CPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???)
CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thi
In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 2
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