On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The t

Ah - The things you see with. Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa. Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it. Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce. Bud - Small feathered creature that flies. Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns. Co-Cola - Soft drink. Crine - Weeping. Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami. Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light. Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence. Everthang - All-encompassing. Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this. Git - To acquire

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant. "It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?". "Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" another knock ... "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" another knock ... "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?"

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine... Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So... Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days." Bo

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!" His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?" He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

Once upon a time, there lived three balloons - Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa's bed. When Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed all night, and Baby Balloon promised that he would, but the very next night he was trying to get in to their bed. However, he found could not quite get in, no matter how he struggled. After a while, he had an idea - he would let a little air out of Papa Balloon! This he did, but still he couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mama Balloon - but to his dismay, still he couldn't get. In desperation, he then let so

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . ." "Actually," said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility." "Surely," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "Err . . . NO!" insisted the Council. Sitting in his vil

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot. The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!" Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"

Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.

(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.) Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?" Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on." Me: "Thank you, ma'am." Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?" Me: "Uh... took what too far?" Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?" Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that." Customer: *loudly* "Well if you