A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot. The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!" Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"

A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says "did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?" "What?!" the man said "you must be drunk." "No really, watch this!" and he jumps into the Grand Canyon, and WHOOSH! flies back up. "That was amazing!" the second man said so the first guy does it again. Finally the second guy decides it really does work and goes for it. He jumps off and splatters on the ground. The first guy returns to the bar and the bartender says "Damn, Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk."

Knock knock. Who's there? interrupting cow interrupting co--- MOO

PARATROOPER A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass." "Well did you jump?" asks his dad. "Just a little at first" answered the boy.

One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer nee You. We're at the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, sop why don't You just retire?" God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said "Sure, no proble

The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? A. EUROPEAN... of course!

"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did n

Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog. Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse. Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later." Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?" Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital." Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?" Man#2, "Ge