In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance. "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies. "A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" "I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us." "And children? How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will pr

Harassment: The teacher asked Paco to use "harassment" in a sentence. Paco smiles and says......... "Orale vato (homeboy)...Mi ruca (my girl) caught me in bed with my sancha (lover), pero ( but) that's okay porque (because) I told her that... HAR ASS MENT nothing to me."

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6. "Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9. "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree." Carey, age 7. THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8. SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9. "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires. "Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Ah - The things you see with. Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa. Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it. Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce. Bud - Small feathered creature that flies. Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns. Co-Cola - Soft drink. Crine - Weeping. Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami. Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light. Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence. Everthang - All-encompassing. Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this. Git - To acquire

America is a land of untold wealth. - Internal Revenue Service.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night!

Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: "The Demon". Everyday, "The Demon" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache. Now, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him. The doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all. So, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem. "Son

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"