Popular Jokes
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
You've Got The Wrong(est) Number
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.)
Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?"
Customer: "How much for my daughter?"
Me: "Um..."
Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training."
Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school."
Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?"
Me: "Adult websites."
Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"
A blonde went into a local salon for a haircut. She was wearing a pair of headphones and she refused to take them off. The hairdresser tried to slip them off to cut her hair but the blonde just screamed "NO, DONT DO IT!"
In a few minutes the blonde fell asleep from all the thinking she had to do to pick out a hairstyle. The hairdresser takes off the headphones and in a few minutes the blonde dies.
The hairdresser, shocked, then hears the headphones. It was repeating the words "Inhale... exhale.... inhale..... exhale...."
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."
There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.
This guy is on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passes slowly and no cars come by. The storm is so strong he can see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly creeps toward him and stops. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realizes that there is nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again.
The guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a shar
3 men were being interviewed for a position for the FBI. The interviewers needed to know the men were going to be loyal to the FBI until the very end. So they set up a little test. They put each of the 3 men's wives in the room.
They sent the first man in with a gun, and told him to kill his wife.
A few minutes later the man comes out crying. He says, "I just can't do it. I love her." He gives back the gun.
They send the second man in and he comes out crying a few minutes later, hands back the gun, and says, "We've had too many good years. I just can't kill her. I'm sorry."
So finally they send in the third applicant. They listen closely to the door and try to see if this man will succeed. T
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