"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"

Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog. Man#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse. Man#2 replies, "My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later." Man#1 says, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?" Man#2 says, "Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital." Man#1 replies, "Can I borrow your dog?" Man#2, "Ge

Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly

"Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"

The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs.

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic.

There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.