THINGY: female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra VULNERABLE: female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION: female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys. BUTT: female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn. male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT: female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT:

An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't u

What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet

When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him. One day, the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars." All of the kids called out their guesses. One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country." "That's excellent," said the teacher. Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves." "That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still be

A blond named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blond) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar que

Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is starting to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a dog and a pig. One day, the man decides he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. But every time he approaches the sow for his moment of passion the dog bites the man's backside. This continues for several days and the man is beginning to get frustrated. But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on to the beach and gives her the kiss of life. The woman comes to and is very grateful.

40-ish....................................49 Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends Athletic..................................No tits Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................................Pathological liar Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.................Medicated Feminist..................................Fat ball buster Free spirit...............................Junkie Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................................Annoying Gentl

A teacher came into a class and told the students, "Class we have a new student..........go on tell us your name". The boy replied "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". The teacher said, "What!!!!". The boy repeated "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". The teacher said, "Go to the principal's office". When he got there, the principal said, "Whats your name son?" "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-ur-ass-from-tree-to-tree," the boy answered. The principal said "What!!!!". The boy repeated "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". "Go home and stay there for 5 days," the principal said. While

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour." Just as I was thinking: "How thoughtful of him", he added, "Better take the dog with you."

One to his friend: "My little brother started walking last week!" The other friend: "Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 10. You! Off my planet! 11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they te