What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears? Dinner at Hooters.

For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish. It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.) "Honey,"

There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. "Bastard!" the father muttered afterwards. The boy asked, "What does 'bastard' mean?" The dad told him nervously, "It's a slang word for 'police officer'." Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, "Shit!" The boy heard and asked, "Dad, what does 'shit' mean?" The dad said to him, "It means 'doormat'." Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, "Tit!" The boy asked her, "What does 'tit' mean?" The m

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And

Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker. Hear about the new deodorant called "Umpire"? It's for foul balls. How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand. Why don't they use the 911 system in Poland? Polacks can't find the 'eleven' on the telephone dial. What do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers. Why aren't cowboys circumcised? They need someplace to keep their Skoal while they eat lunch. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead! How do you make a baby float? One root b

President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him. First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart," so the Wizard said, "So be it." Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain." The Wizard said, "So be it." Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage." The Wizard granted this wish as well. Yhen Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at h

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the m

What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.