One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car. "If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned. "Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. "Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!

A woman had an appointment in the morning with her gynecologist and was running late. She hadn't had the time to give herself a proper washup so she took a washcloth and gave herself a wash in 'that area' in front of the sink. She threw the cloth into the wash basket after making sure she was presentable and drove to her appointment. She was silent throughout the checkup and ignored the gynecologist when he said, "My... We have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" It was only until after the day was over when her daughter called to ask if she had seen where her washcloth was. The woman told her to get a fresh piece from the cabinet but the daughter said, "No, I need that

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

There was this woman who had a blonde daughter. One day, she got her ball stuck in the tree. "Mom, my ball's stuck in the tree. Can I go get it?" she asked. "No, the perverted boy will look up your skirt and see your underwear. Wait till daddy gets home." The little girl furiously stomped away. About an hour later, before her husband came home, the woman saw her daughter playing with her ball. "How did you get your ball?" "Well, you said that you didn't want the boy to see my underwear, so I took it off."

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

Bread Is Dangerous 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as litt

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Need help coming up with that perfect ditty for your better (or worse) half? Perhaps these will help inspire you! --These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, cause I was pissed Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are n

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his fr

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning, this is Senator Trent Lott. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Senator Lott, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "We