Sven was in front of the mall jewellery store when he spied Ole walking past carrying a small, gift-wrapped package. "So vat did ja buy, Ole?" Ole replied, "Tomorrow is Lena's birthday and she said she vanted something wit lots of diamonds." "So vat did you get her?" asked Sven. "A deck of cards!" replied Ole. - Editor: Ole's funeral services will be held later this week.

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering." "Dddddoctttor, whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient, stuttering badly, states that this problem has caused him so much emba

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant. "It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?". "Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

2. Australia Version A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answer: 18% said: YES 82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن

1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa 2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa 3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa 4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa

1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea. 2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing. 3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets. 4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh. 5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast. 6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the to

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Once upon a time, there lived three balloons - Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa's bed. When Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed all night, and Baby Balloon promised that he would, but the very next night he was trying to get in to their bed. However, he found could not quite get in, no matter how he struggled. After a while, he had an idea - he would let a little air out of Papa Balloon! This he did, but still he couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mama Balloon - but to his dismay, still he couldn't get. In desperation, he then let so

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée. The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?" The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..." The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it." "Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once." Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh." "Yeah, I'll say." A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he