My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you." These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape! Hello, this is Jack. Unfo

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. – Denise Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. – Elliot Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. – Rob Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? – Marsha

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens." "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old s

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We use

Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The t

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road. He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period." He says "That doesn't matter." So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out. A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking. So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck. The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer. The officer asks him what he is doing? He says licking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant. "It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?". "Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry. One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper. His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?" His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower." The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed." Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one." The boy ans

Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?" "It's Paul" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" another knock ... "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" another knock ... "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?"

Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"