Popular Jokes
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.
However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?"
By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.
Pick A Power Word
The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?"
"There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Dddddoctttor, whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient, stuttering badly, states that this problem has caused him so much emba
Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: "The Demon". Everyday, "The Demon" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache.
Now, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him.
The doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all.
So, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem.
"Son
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.
Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?"
"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!"
"Then why aren't you wearing them?"
"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
Who remarked it was a shame the old man
Was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
So they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
They were stupid to walk when they had a
Decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people
Who shamed them by saying how awful to
Put such a load on a poor donke
1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea.
2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing.
3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets.
4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh.
5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast.
6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the to
There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50.
The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!
A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer.
That defeats the original purpose.
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