There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic. "Dominic?" he shouts. "Artie?" Dominic replied. Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career. "I'm an inventor," Dominic said. "Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!" "Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!"

My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.

You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense... too tense the size of everybody else's.

-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.

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Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery. However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?" By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.

There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded. One day a lady asked him, "What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars." The boy replied, "That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!" He said all that truthfully. After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile h

Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs.

"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, if you like crowded trains."

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam