A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Laws of Feline Physics III Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, multiplied by the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk squared, just to show that he can. Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement A cat, immersed in milk, will displace her own volume minus the amount of milk consumed. Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse p

She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. You didn't even see it coming, did you?

A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall."

Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

What do women with no legs leave behind when they cross a linoleum floor? Snail Tracks.

Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected? A: A Born Again Christian

Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you." These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape! Hello, this is Jack. Unfo

Sven was in front of the mall jewellery store when he spied Ole walking past carrying a small, gift-wrapped package. "So vat did ja buy, Ole?" Ole replied, "Tomorrow is Lena's birthday and she said she vanted something wit lots of diamonds." "So vat did you get her?" asked Sven. "A deck of cards!" replied Ole. - Editor: Ole's funeral services will be held later this week.