A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child."

Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)

Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

If this offends anyone, PM me. You know you're a Mexican when... 1. Someone related to you has their name tattooed anywhere on their body. 2. Your family goes to the flea market in their Sunday's best. 3. Your birthday doesn't have cake, candy, and Coca-Cola but has fajitas, chicken, and tequila. 4. When you've seen your uncle wearing your "new" clothes. 5. Your favorite music is not rap, rock, pop, or oldies, but instead, Tejano.

Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill? Avalanche! What do you call a group of black people running down a hill? Mudslide! What do you call a group of Latinos running down a hiil? JAILBREAK! How do you find the country of Mexico? Roll a quarter down a hill. How do you find the richest Mexican? Find the one who got the quarter!

Question: What is a Kentucky Virgin? Answer: A really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother.

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. The Forest Service required t

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road. He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period." He says "That doesn't matter." So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out. A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking. So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck. The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer. The officer asks him what he is doing? He says licking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine... Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So... Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days." Bo

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we get married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?