Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

Knock knock Who's there? Mayonaise Mayonaise who? Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website.

What is 4-2? two. What is 8-6? two. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain Now say the answers altogether. Two two Twain. Have a nice twip!

For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!

What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.

FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry". "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" He walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, who in the heck is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did y

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said. "So, what's your name?" she asked. "Beerf$%^."

Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!