A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3. The man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender replies, "Sorry I can't accept that." The man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender refuses to accept it. The man finally pulls out a $5 bill and gives it to the bartender. The bartender once again refuses to accept it. When the man asks the bartender why he won't accept any of the bills the man is giving him, the bartender replies, "Sorry sir, this is a singles bar."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence", he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

A trucker has just turned a corner on a deserted roadway and was proceeding to change lanes when a blonde in a speedy corvette cut right in front of him almost making him get run off the road. Enraged the trucker sped up and overtook the blonde then forced her to slow down. When the blonde finally stopped the trucker stepped out of his truck, went over the to corvette and yanked the blonde out. He then drew a circle with a piece of chalk he had around the blonde. "If you step outside of this circle, I will kill you. You hear? You just stay right there missy," said the Trucker. The trucker went to his truck and grabbed a wooden bat. He smashed the corvettes windows in and knocked off the rea

Famous Last Words "We'll be safe here, trust me." "Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway." "We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you." "Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!" "My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since." "It's just a slight tingle." "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???"

Why are constipated people so mean and rude? ..because they don't give a crap!

You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"

A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it isn't nice to keep bashing them in public. The couple apologize and changes the topic. A few minutes later the woman needs to go to the restroom, so she goes off, and she is followed by the blonde. After 10 minutes the blonde comes out frusturated, and storms out the front door. The woman calmly comes out and sits down at her table. The man asks what happened in there. The woman replies, "Well, as I was washing my hands, the blonde cam

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!" "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because nothing hurts."

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which. 2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone new every five minutes. 3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would. 4) Act like a hillbilly. Period. 5) Improvise Italian operas. 6) Gossip about someone to their face. 7) Answer every question with a question. 8) Repeat yourself constantly. 9) Act like a member of the opposite sex. 10) Repeat yourself constantly. 11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons. 12) Repeat yourself constantly. 13) Change what you repeat every now and then. 14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the