Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. – Denise Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. – Elliot Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. – Rob Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? – Marsha

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens." "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old s

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We use

The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

There were 3 boys named trouble, jackass, and manners. They were playing a game of hide and seek. Trouble was counting, manners was hid up in a tree, and jackass was hiding behind the same tree. A police man walks over to jackass and says "I'll give you a lollipop if you tell me your name". He then replies, "jackass." The police man says where are your manners, he then points up in the tree. The police man says, "are you looking for trouble". Trouble then says "no trouble is looking for me."

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?" "Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier." The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier." "Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."

A man was sitting in a plane when another man sat down in the seat beside him. The new fellow was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" the first fellow asked. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They have riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country ... " "Wait a minute," the first fellow said. "I've lived in L.A. all my life and I can assure you it's nowhere near as bad as the media reports. Find yourself a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second fellow stopped shaking for a moment and

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering." "Dddddoctttor, whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient, stuttering badly, states that this problem has caused him so much emba

You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in four weeks." The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is ou

"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"