A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp.

What do a circus and congress have in common? They are both full of CLOWNS

I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.

You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!

Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.

A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, "There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds." "Father!" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. "What did you say?" "What I said was ... " the priest begins. "I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it," interrupts the Mother Superior. "Well, I really need you to come in," the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks. "Here now, sit on the bed beside me," he says. "I must get out of here," the nun replies. "Aren't you the least bit curious?" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him. "Now get under the covers," instructs the

There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded. One day a lady asked him, "What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars." The boy replied, "That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!" He said all that truthfully. After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile h

45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About 1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts. 2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual. 3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door. 4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada. 5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas. 6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking t

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a

One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,"Good morning, What's under the newspaper?" The man replied,"A birdie!" The little girl started dancing and said,"Can I see it." The man Quickly snaps,"NO! It's sleeping." The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,"Ask that little girl." The little girl shyly goes over and says,"I was playing with the bir

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," his friend said, "why aren't there