Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?" She replies, "It's a partners' meeting." "But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks. "It's a battle of wits," she replies. Maurice asks: "Who is in there?" and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abram

10. If it's wet make it dry. 9. If it's dry make it wet. 8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime. 7. Never tell management what you are really thinking. 6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment". 5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment". 4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job. 3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them. 2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it. 1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.

Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.

A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, "yes." She comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, "You're out of toilet paper."

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply. "Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first. Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.' 'And the bad news?' they ask. Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm'.

There were two guys at a bar. One of them was rich and the other was poor. They both start talking and they find out their anniversary is on the same day, which is tomorrow. Poor guy- "What did you get your wife?" Rich Guy- "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz." Poor guy- "Why did you give her those??" Rich Guy- "Because if she doesn't like the ring she can run the car off a cliff and go screw herself. What did you get your wife?" Poor guy- "A pair of slippers and a dildo" Rich Guy- "Why did you give her those??" Poor guy- "Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go screw herself!"

1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules can change without notice. 3. Males can't know the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind. 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."