Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.

You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark!

Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out?

It seems that upon passing away, a Texan found himself at the legendary Pearly Gates, and St. Peter himself was in attendance to personally greet him! After the usual checklist and verifications, St. Peter made some small talk and commented that he had heard that in Texas, everything is big. The Texan agreed and responded saying, "Yup, everything is big in Texas." "Well," said St. Peter, "we've got some pretty big things up here in Heaven too." He then led the Texan to a farm where cabbages were as big as Volkswagens and the carrots towered over them like redwood trees. "Pretty impressive eh?" said St. Peter. The Texan smiled and remarked, "Yes sir Mr. Peter, they are some pretty big vegeta

A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, "Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!"

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress? It blows itself up.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!

A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, "Do you know the code?" The blond said, "No, but listen." She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, "It's the funky town music!"

You're so ugly, you scare blind children.

Ronnie never listens in science class because he says it's boring.. One day his teacher asked, "Ronnie, What are the 3 states of matter?" Since he heard his name he did listen to the question. So he thinks for a second and replies, "Texas, Florida, and Arkansas!"

This is laziness!