SO GREASY Yo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her! SO NASTY Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down! Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach! Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left! Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave! Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater! Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh! Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection. SO POOR Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her

1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store. 2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.

Colorado • Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. • Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers. • Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. • Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. • Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the

A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family. One of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, "Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!"

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was in

Gull - A young female. Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna. Moanin - Between daybreak and noon. Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine. Nekkid - To be unclothed. Ovair - In that direction. Own - Instead of awf. Phrasin - Very cold. Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale. Show - "It show is hot today." Spearmint - Something scientist do. Stow - Place where things are sold. Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share. Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka. Zackly – Precisely.

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."

You might be a redneck if... You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

You might be a redneck if... You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.

Teacher: The weather here is too bad. The winter is too cold, and the summer is too hot. Fortunately, I have an air condition in my room. Oh, do you have air condition in your dorm? Students: (laughing) No way. Teacher: At least you can use a fan, can't you? Students: (upset) No way! The electricity is cut off at 11 o'clock. Teacher: (puzzled) No air condition, no fan, six people in such a small room, and the weather is so hot, how can you sleep? Students: We don't sleep. Teacher: (surprised) Oh, if you don't sleep, how can you study? Students: We don't study, either. Teacher: ...

#include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false

In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided. Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere? A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code. Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly? A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the u