Popular Jokes
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a l
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
A man is out playing golf one day when he whacks the ball harder then usual. It goes soaring in the air, and the golfer yells, "FORE!"
He runs over to find his ball, and he sees a guy holding his head in pain. The man is shouting "I will sue you, and I will win 1 thousand dollars!"
The golfer replies "But I yelled 'fore,' so you can't sue me."
The man replies: "Four, thats better than just one! I'll take it!"
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : OK.
Interviewer : Made in India.
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan.
Interviewer : Good .... Keep it up.
Banta Singh : Bad .... Put it down.
Interviewer : Maxi - mum
Banta Singh : Mini - dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your seat.
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat.
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat.
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat.
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in.
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You appoint me.
Interviewer : .....!!!!!
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist?
A: Someone who is at two with the universe.
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