Steve was in a terrible accident at work; however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. Because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business, and, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting, but

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, "Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?" Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn." Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be mild or cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again cal

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites. "Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest. "This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

1. You don't suffer from insomnia... you enjoy every minute of it. 2. Your pupils are dialated 24/7 3.*You don't have time for a girlfriend and would rather have a talking frog instead. 4. L337 is a common word in your household. 5. The targeting reticle from halo is permanently burned onto your retina... and you love it. 6. You know the correct pronunciation of MJOLNIR. 7. You have a microwave in your room. 8. Your dog can beat your friends at halo. 9. Your pug, 30 pounds over weight can physically kick your butt. 10. You've memorized the entire halo soundtrack.

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.

I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. I love this Work

The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan. ________________________________________________ So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man walks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale. Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, "How could our President try to stop gay marriage?" Then the man at the far right answered, "Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven." (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.) "Bu

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work." The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the "wah-wah pedal" was the greatest invention. After that, they asked the drummer and he said the "bass pedal" was the greatest invention. Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the "Stanley thermos" was the greatest invention. Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said: "Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!"