A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. "I'll take that bet" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. "I don't get it", he says," I just did 150 outside!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports: He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a fren

In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile. Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," a student called out. "No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve." "Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"

SO GREASY Yo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her! SO NASTY Yo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down! Yo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach! Yo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left! Yo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave! Yo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater! Yo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh! Yo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection. SO POOR Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her

1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store. 2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.

Colorado • Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. • Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers. • Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. • Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. • Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the

Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts: "Dear Comrade Imperialists," The whole hall perked up - "what did he say?" Brezhnev tried again... "Dear Comrade Imperialists," Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again: "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."