I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, "You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!" -If this ever happens to you, run!

You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand.

Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers.

Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home. He'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it! Time passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life! However, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again. "Sorry," said the landlord, "you kno

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill? Avalanche! What do you call a group of black people running down a hill? Mudslide! What do you call a group of Latinos running down a hiil? JAILBREAK! How do you find the country of Mexico? Roll a quarter down a hill. How do you find the richest Mexican? Find the one who got the quarter!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace... If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'... If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'... If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'... If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'... If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'... If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you... If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate... If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elepha

You know you are a redneck when you do not speak your first word until your 18th birthday and that word is WELFARE!.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We use

As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!