Popular Jokes
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we
What if people bought cars like they buy
Computers?
The car companies don't have help lines
for people who don't know how to drive,
because people don't buy cars like they
buy computers, imagine if they did.....
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all these technical terms to
use my car.
Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: M
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you, too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays."
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because nothing hurts."
Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults."
Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
A redneck couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
The woman said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam," replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
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