New Rules New Rules Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retir

Here's 50 cents call someone who cares

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century an

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? "Well, I raised over a

Jesus sees a woman being assaulted by an angry crowd and steps in front of her and says, "let he who hath no sin cast the first stone." From the crowd comes a rock flying at the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "Damn it mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

Ok here are a few: I will try to be nicer if you try to be smarter. Don't flatter yourself. I was looking at your friend. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it's really working. Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go. If I throw a stick, will you go away? Warning: I am hearing voices and they don't like you. Stupidity is a right but you are abusing the privilege. Your mouth keeps moving but all I hear is bla, bla, bla. On your mark, get set, go away. I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Yo Momma's like a cell phone: Free on nights and weekends!

Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)

There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says," Good morning ladies."

You know you're a Redneck if..... 1. Your child's night-light is a neon beer sign. 2. The only running water in your house comes through the ceiling. 3. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 4. All your kids toys came free with a Happy Meal. 5. When you fill your car with gas, it's worth doubles. 6. You start a fight in a bar and your wife finishes it. 7. Your kids favourite bedtime story is "Curious George and the Electric fence" 8. You and your wife's family reunions are one and the same. 9. The Glamour Shots people give you your money back. and last of all.... You know you're a redneck if 10.The FBI has more pictures of your family