A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."

Winston Churchill (whose mother was American) was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II. These are some insults he was involved in - Lady Astor – "Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee." Winston Churchill – "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!" Bessie Braddock – "Winston, you're drunk!" Winston – "Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!" Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying – "Bring a friend – if you have one." Churchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night – "If you have one."

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?" The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!" The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?" The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass.

A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying "34...34...34" over and over again. A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that. "Oh, it's great fun," replied the brunette. "You should try it". So the blonde walked down the street repeating "34...34...34..." when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over. The brunette then started walking down the road again, saying "35...35...35..."

Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concuss

Christmas Italian Style 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wonderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, Don Santa wuz here, And he brought all da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da b

Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog.

YOU'RE READING IT, YOU DOPE!