Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.

There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. "Bastard!" the father muttered afterwards. The boy asked, "What does 'bastard' mean?" The dad told him nervously, "It's a slang word for 'police officer'." Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, "Shit!" The boy heard and asked, "Dad, what does 'shit' mean?" The dad said to him, "It means 'doormat'." Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, "Tit!" The boy asked her, "What does 'tit' mean?" The m

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party? A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' grave

I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt? Damned if that politician ain't honest! We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. You can't feed that to the dog. Trim the fat off that steak. I just love the opera. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Wrasslin's fake.

What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.

yo mom is like a shotgun, one cock and shes ready to blow

Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!

A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, "Do you know the code?" The blond said, "No, but listen." She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, "It's the funky town music!"