A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant. They go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars. The doctor points to the first jar and says, "That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram." The doctor then points to the second jar, "That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person." The doctor then points to the third jar and says, "That is a brain that once

Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks

A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool. 1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions: 1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit. 1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?" "1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!" "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Carol called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Carol. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write prop

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true." "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?" "Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"