Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."

A teacher came into a class and told the students, "Class we have a new student..........go on tell us your name". The boy replied "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". The teacher said, "What!!!!". The boy repeated "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". The teacher said, "Go to the principal's office". When he got there, the principal said, "Whats your name son?" "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-ur-ass-from-tree-to-tree," the boy answered. The principal said "What!!!!". The boy repeated "I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree". "Go home and stay there for 5 days," the principal said. While

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side. "Hello? Hello?" Jesus replied, "Who is it?" "Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied. Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?" The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; 1. a Japanese Samurai 2. a Chinese Samurai 3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!) The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impre

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them. First one says, "My dog is called Woodworker. Go Woodworker!" The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says, "My dog is called Stoneworker. Go Stoneworker!" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving. Third one says, "My dog is called Iron Worker." He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says, "I'll just touch him on the nose and you watch him make a bolt for the door."