How do you keep a black man from jumping on your bed? -Put velcro on the ceiling. Why don't black people dream anymore? -Because the last one that did got shot. How do you keep five black men from raping a white woman? -Give them a basketball. What do you call black ladies' abortions? -Crimestoppers What do you say if you see your tv floating in the middle of the night? -"Drop it nigga!" Whats wrong with four Mexicans dying in an Impala? -An Impala can hold five.

Q: How many roadies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2. One to try to hammer it in with a microphone, and another to find a cable to plug that microphone in. Q: How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: If we do screw in that light bulb, it'll be a 4 hour minimum on the payroll. Q: How many sound techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. That's the light guy's job. Q: How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: IT'S A LAMP!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!

Laws of Feline Physics II Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedient Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigeration Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to e

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate? The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!

A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace... If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'... If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'... If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'... If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'... If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'... If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you... If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate... If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elepha

Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck left mud-flap right mud-flap Passing Side Suicide / ------ ------ \ \ ------ ------ / El Paso El Cruncho

Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the good old days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up; "Get my gun, Maw." Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG..BANG..BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops.

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road. He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period." He says "That doesn't matter." So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out. A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking. So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck. The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer. The officer asks him what he is doing? He says licking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

If you were attacked by giant mutants, what would you do? Most people would run. Some would hide, and the video recorders would record it and put it on television. Last week, humans won a war against giant vicious demons called, "Razzoopis". Razzoopis are Godzilla-sized monsters that have rock hard bodies, and breath fire. No one knows why it came, or how it was defeated, but the other humans had a feeling that the humans gave back its baby.

This is a collection of a few of the Redneck lines I've heard (and can remember) over the years . . . You know you're a redneck when: You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator. Your shopping list only has beer on it. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You mow your lawn and find a car. Your "pet" eats more than y