A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies

-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

Policeman: "Lady, I'm arresting you for prostitution." Woman: "I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration."

Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away!!! My two favorite letters of the alpabet E Z. Hey, I lost my underwear, can I see yours? Hey baby, have you fallen from heaven, because that would explain your face.. Can i buy you a drink? Because you look like an alcoholic. Do you believe in helping the homeless? (If yes) Take me home with you. I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated. Are you wearing a cow suit, or do you always look like a heiffer? Damn girrl did you get some lipo, your'e looking P H A T! Are you a frito cause your really corny How much do you weigh cause your lookin PHAT* Tell your mom to stop changing lipsticks cause my dick looks like a ra

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As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!

You might be a redneck if... You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth: Jesus Windows95 Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly." Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now." Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive. Jesus: Can walk on water. Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486. Jesus: Sits in judgement at

There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!

. . . they only tell who's left.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if you