A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'" "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moroni

The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift. The first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present. Its from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift. The last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is. "Is it champagne?" The boy rep

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

A police officer pulled over a vehicle that had just driven through an intersection without slowing for the traffic light, which flashes red continually. (It flashes amber for the cross direction.) The driver, blonde of course, explained, "But I didn't go through on the RED, I went through on the BLACK!"

Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in South Carolina when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend. A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Tiger Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'" "But I'm not a Tiger fan", the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in South Carolina, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks, "How does 'Gamec

What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love!

Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long? A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.

Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 per

A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"

1. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip. 2. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?" 3. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!" 4. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage". 5. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!" 6. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil. 7. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" 8. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard. 9. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!" 10. Three words: eat the check.

NOTE: This is a true story of a real call to a computor company tech support. One day a guy calls tech support. this is how it went... Cust: Hello? TS: Hello Cust: Yeah, my cup holder broke and my computor is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced. TS: Ummm cup holder? Cust: yeah cup holder... TS: Ummm did you get it with a promotional offer? Cust: No TS: Umm are you sure you got the right company? Cust: Yeah TS: Ummm... im sorry if i sound confused, because i am. Cust: Well its square, and its on the front of the computor, and it comes out when you press a button... At this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold, so he could finish laughing...