Popular Jokes
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you, too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays."
A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. "Dang it," the mother muttered, "there goes his no-hitter."
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new ani
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot.
"What did he name them?" she asks the doctor.
"He named the girl Denise" said the doctor.
Well, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. "What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "Denephew."
You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
Two bosses were talking about how dumb their blond assistants are. The first boss says, "You think your assistant is dumb, watch this." And the man calls over the blond and says "Go to my house and see if I'm home." So the blond says "Yes sir! Right away sir!" and away she goes.
The second boss says "You call that dumb! Watch this!" So he calls over his blonde assistant and says "Here's a dime, go buy me a car." She replies "Yes sir! No problem!" and away the blond goes.
On their way to go do the tasks given to them, they meet up and start talking.
The first blond says "My boss is so stupid! He told me to go to his house and see if he's home. I mean, why couldn't he just call and see if
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
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