Popular Jokes
A boy asked his mother what the word "shit" meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant "food". Then he asked what the word "nigger" meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said "priest". The last word he asked about was "fuck". She really did not know what to say so she said "to get dressed".
When the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, "Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room".
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
You know your a redneck if...
You tell your kids the facts of life and they interrupt you with corrections.
You've ever given your date flowers from a cemetery.
You proposed at Denny's.
The biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was.
You had a marriage license before you had a drivers license.
You've ever reused wedding invitations.
The last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was "It's me or them dogs."
If your wedding invitations ever said "same time same place."
At your wedding reception you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get "Champagne."
Q: How many roadies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to try to hammer it in with a microphone, and another to find a cable to plug that microphone in.
Q: How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: If we do screw in that light bulb, it'll be a 4 hour minimum on the payroll.
Q: How many sound techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That's the light guy's job.
Q: How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: IT'S A LAMP!
The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home.
He'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it!
Time passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life!
However, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again.
"Sorry," said the landlord, "you kno
There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Antarctica. The bride asks her husband to gather berries; the husband asked, "Why do you want berries; we are in Antartica?" She replied with, "I was just wondering if you would and if your penis shriveled, because my nipples are hard and if your penis does shrivel, I can heat it up in my vagina when you got back."
The husband ran out looking for berries. When he came back she asked, "What took you so long?"
He then said, "Can we fuck now or what?"
She said as long as you're not frost bit."
So they went up to their room and started kissing furiously; the next thing he knew, she was giving him the greatest head he had ever gotten. Then he laid
Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh.
The young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage.
The novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, "Three tickets to Tittsville, please." "How dare you?" remonstrated the ticket seller.
The young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, "Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes."
He also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller.
"Three tickets to Pittsburgh, pl
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