Popular Jokes
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?
So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:
1st guy: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
1st guy: "I made a cake."
2nd guy: "Uh huh."
......*long pause*......
Cow: "Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?"
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Cow: "I made a pie."
2nd guy:"Uh huh."
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
You know you're a Redneck if.....
1. Your child's night-light is a neon beer sign.
2. The only running water in your house comes through the ceiling.
3. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
4. All your kids toys came free with a Happy Meal.
5. When you fill your car with gas, it's worth doubles.
6. You start a fight in a bar and your wife finishes it.
7. Your kids favourite bedtime story is "Curious George and the Electric fence"
8. You and your wife's family reunions are one and the same.
9. The Glamour Shots people give you your money back.
and last of all....
You know you're a redneck if
10.The FBI has more pictures of your family
A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.
It will be called Fish and Chips.
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking a
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.
Larry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."
Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We use
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.
However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?"
By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.
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