1986. Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." 1991. Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." 1976. Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free." 1996. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 1991. Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after

You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.

The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

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Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts: "Dear Comrade Imperialists," The whole hall perked up - "what did he say?" Brezhnev tried again... "Dear Comrade Imperialists," Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again: "Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."

Gull - A young female. Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna. Moanin - Between daybreak and noon. Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine. Nekkid - To be unclothed. Ovair - In that direction. Own - Instead of awf. Phrasin - Very cold. Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale. Show - "It show is hot today." Spearmint - Something scientist do. Stow - Place where things are sold. Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share. Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka. Zackly – Precisely.

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" - What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?" I'm playing golf this afternoon, and th

As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth: Jesus Windows95 Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly." Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now." Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive. Jesus: Can walk on water. Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486. Jesus: Sits in judgement at

Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs.

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," his friend said, "why aren't there

A rabbi is on his deathbed, and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?" He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."