A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring. The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?" The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goe

Timmy had been having a hard time in math class and got an 'F' on almost all of his report cards. His mom thought he'd be better off if he went to a private Catholic school. The very first day of school Timmy came home, went straight to his room and began working until he finally just fell asleep on his bed. This continued for a long time until he got his first report card from the new school and his mom was so proud when he got an 'A' in Math. She said, "I knew you'd do better in a private school." Then she says how did you do so well?" and Timmy replies, "When I walked in and saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business."

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a

Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.

One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Barbeque, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" And, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is ju

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

What's gray and comes in packets? Instant elephant. What's gray and comes in buckets? An elephant. What's gray and has a trunk? A mouse going on holiday. How do elephants hide in cherry trees? They paint their toe-nails red. How do elephants get down from cherry trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for fall. How do elephants hide in custard? Paint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I as

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concuss