The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Verbs Anal Salute backfire bake breeze biscuits bake brownies bark bend a valve Beep your horn Blast the chair blow dirt blow dust blow a fart blow a gasket blow kisses blow mud blow smoke Blow the big brown horn blow the sparkplugs blurt boff Bottom blast Bottom burp boom-boom break the seam break wind buang angin bust ass Buttock bassoon Butt burp Butt tuba butt yodeling chemold clear one's throat cleft a boofer colon bowlin' cook eggs couper le fromage crack ass crepitate crop dusting cut a gasser cut a melon cut chedder cut muffins cut one cut the cheese cut the provolone Cut a stinker Cut the wind deal one degas dot'dot draw mud from the bottom of

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....) Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth

How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"

Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Milby's. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Ear

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a

Winston Churchill (whose mother was American) was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II. These are some insults he was involved in - Lady Astor – "Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee." Winston Churchill – "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!" Bessie Braddock – "Winston, you're drunk!" Winston – "Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!" Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying – "Bring a friend – if you have one." Churchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night – "If you have one."

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.

A man and his wife are in the bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He turns to her and says, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. He replies, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she said. He then replies, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing he remembers. . . .

This is a true story. This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time. Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?" Policeman - "That is correct." L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z." L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?" P - "Yes, I was." L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes." L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because