I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 11. You can't hide a piece o

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?

The running water in Singapore can be drunk directly. So when I get thirsty, I go to the toilet and drink. But how to make a bowl of instant noodle? A girl thinks: "Since the running water can be drunk directly, the water from electric bathing machine also can!" So she use the water from bathing machine to make instant noodle.

How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goe

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I as

How do you tell a blondes been using your computer? There's whiteout on the screen

What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!

OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. EDUCATION School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask EMPLOYMENT NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father. RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

Timmy had been having a hard time in math class and got an 'F' on almost all of his report cards. His mom thought he'd be better off if he went to a private Catholic school. The very first day of school Timmy came home, went straight to his room and began working until he finally just fell asleep on his bed. This continued for a long time until he got his first report card from the new school and his mom was so proud when he got an 'A' in Math. She said, "I knew you'd do better in a private school." Then she says how did you do so well?" and Timmy replies, "When I walked in and saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business."

How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"