Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Brett, a college boy delivered his pizza. "Well," Brett continued, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," Brett said, "I'll put it in my college fund." "By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man. And Brett replied, "Applied psychology."

Men are like... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright. Men are like... Bank accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like... High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

There was this woman who had a blonde daughter. One day, she got her ball stuck in the tree. "Mom, my ball's stuck in the tree. Can I go get it?" she asked. "No, the perverted boy will look up your skirt and see your underwear. Wait till daddy gets home." The little girl furiously stomped away. About an hour later, before her husband came home, the woman saw her daughter playing with her ball. "How did you get your ball?" "Well, you said that you didn't want the boy to see my underwear, so I took it off."

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..." With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

- When Cupid shoots his arrow, I hope he Mrs. you. -If I were a head of lettuce, I'd cut myself in two. I'd give a leaf to everyone, but save the heart for you. -Can't write, too dumb; inspiration won't come. Bad ink, no pen; that's all, amen. -My love for you will never fail...as long as a pig has a curly tail. -I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes my peas taste funny, but it keeps them on my knife. -My love for you shall always shine, like bedbugs dipped in turpentine. -Twinkle, twinkle, little star, powder puff and cold cream jar; Toni wave and lipstick too, will make a beauty out of you. -I hope you sit on the tack of success and rise rapidly.

Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun." answered the other detective. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective. "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument!

Knock-Knock Who's there Jack Jack Who I don't know any jack