A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?" "I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."

You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot

Need help coming up with that perfect ditty for your better (or worse) half? Perhaps these will help inspire you! --These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, cause I was pissed Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are n

Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

knock-knock. who's there? yo mama. yo mama who? this is yo mama stop playing.

I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!

Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes, and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cuts one of its leg. Then he said "Walk". The cockroach moves forward. Then Banta cut its second leg and commanded "Walk". The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and commanded "Walk". The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said "Walk". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Ban